Octomom Natalie ‘Nadya’ Suleman Reveals Why She Disappeared from the Public Eye in 2013 (Exclusive)

After spending four tumultuous years in the spotlight, Natalie ‘Nadya’ Suleman decided in 2013 that it was time to take control of her and her 14 kids’ lives.

“The life I was leading was not only destructive, it was dark. It was the antithesis of who I am as a person,” Suleman, 49, tells PEOPLE this week, opening up ahead of her new Lifetime biopic I Was Octomom and docuseries Confessions of Octomom.

In the two new projects, she resurfaces her remarkable story, of birthing the world’s first surviving octuplets in 2009, before being torn apart in the media for being a struggling single mom who, despite her circumstances, sought out numerous IVF treatments to have her large family.

“It took a toll and started eating away at my soul,” she says, “And eventually I just had to lean in really to my faith, my very strong faith in God. And it wasn’t until I did that, everything fell into place beautifully.”

“Finally I was able to just escape the false life and all of the toxic influences that enshrouded my family,” she says of seeking out rehab for anxiety and stress in late 2012. “The reality is I didn’t take time to sit and feel and process emotion because that’s when healing begins, when we sit in the pain and we sit in that uncomfortable feelings we don’t want to feel, that’s when we can start healing and growing and changing.”

After that, she hit re-start. “I took my family back to my hometown, went back to my old profession as a counselor in 2013 until 2018. So I did work relentlessly full-time. It was non-stop but I had to. I had no choice.”

Though they continued to struggle financially, for Suleman, who now receives income as a caretaker for her profoundly autistic adult son Aidan, she says it was the break she and her family needed most.

“I’ve learned I’m more resilient than I thought, and I like the person I’ve become,” she says. “So if I hadn’t gone through all of the trials, tribulations, and adversity, I wouldn’t be who I am today. And I wouldn’t have learned the lessons I learned that I can instill in my kids that make them the people they are today.”

I Was Octomom premieres March 8, while Confessions of Octomom premieres March 10, both on Lifetime.